I know, I know. Long time no blogging - I blame Blogger's absolute FAIL this past week. And a lil' bit of laziness...A couple of weeks ago I went to Sydney, Australia. You'll recall the teaser post from last weekend. I went to a conference, so although the trip was primarily business, there was also time for play. I had been wondering how best to tell you about my trans-tasman adventures, until it occured to me that my STOWAWAY friend could do the work for me and tell you about his exploits, which were *ahem* entertaining, as always. You may remember the last time Kiwi-Ed stowed away with me on a business trip. Yes, well, this one didn't go too much better. Without further ado, I'll let him tell the story. Please bear in mind as you read that he is prone to exaggeration. He calls it creativity. I call it obnoxiousness.Greetings fans!
Thanks for that great introduction, boss lady. When I heard that TwiKiwi50 was going to Australia, I started concocting a plan. I've never been out of New Zealand before, so this was my great opportunity! Quite conveniently, I hired a personal photographer, Vince the Australian, so I could bring you a pictorial post of my adventures. Vince was a complete dickhead though. Fortunately for you, he knows his way around a camera. And that he belongs behind it, not infront. More on him later.
Here goes! Hold on tight, Spidermonkey!
I decided it was safest to wait until we were mid-flight to let the boss lady know I had tagged along for the ride. After the Wellington debacle a few months back I had a feeling she wouldn't be best pleased. Vince and I were camped out in her handbag, which fortunately is quite roomy, because I swear that dude does not know the meaning of 'personal hygiene'.
Not too long before landing in Sydney she grabbed her bag to fill in her arrival documentation, and I yelled 'surprise!'. She was surprised, alright. And I am waaaay too polite to tell you all the filthy exclamations she uttered. I thought she'd be grateful for my company... apparently not. She shoved me back in the bag (I'm adding it to the list of vampire-abuse incidences for my court case) because she was worried the Australian Customs / Border Control dudes would have a problem with an extra tourist. Vince was no help at all. So much for local knowledge! I guess the boss lady was right though, I wasn't in the mood to get caught. Vince told me they're keen on cavity searches and that was one welcome gift I did not need.
Hours later, we finally made it to our accommodation. We were staying the first night with TwiKiwi50's friend. Apparently, she doesn't know about me. Once I got over the emotional pain that my boss doesn't want to tell her friends about me (also added to the list) I realised we had an awesome view from the balcony. Vince and I went to check it out.
I think this was all part of TwiKiwi50's plan. No sooner did Vince and I step out on the balcony, she locked the door behind us and left us there while she went sight-seeing. Hmprh. Seems she had her own camera with her too, cos when I sat down to write this post I saw these photos on the computer. Might as well share them with you:
I guess this is Sydney Harbour. I heard there was a famous bridge. Not that I'd know, since I was stuck in balcony-hell with Vince. Not fun.
Aaand... there's a famous Opera House. So I've heard. Not that I'm bitter or anything.
Apparently there were some famous people in town just after we left. Boss lady was sad about that and kept going on and on about how we should have stayed a few more days.
To make up for her disappointment at not seeing the famous people, she found the theatre they were going to appear at. I'm kinda glad I didn't get dragged along to see that, she gets all flustered and like a school-kid with a crush when she talks about this Patterson guy. Puhlease. What's he got that I don't have? I do not understand what she could possibly see in him.
Our next destination was a hotel/conference centre right by the beach. I woke Vince up (lazy bastard, what did he think I was paying him for?) and snuck out as soon as we got there, before the boss could lock me in the safe, or fridge, or something. Seriously, it's like she has some kind of fetish. Eww. The walk was going well, until...
I saw this creature. It was up in the tree, it was shrieking at me, and I was scared. I'm man enough to admit my fears, and trust me, this dude was terrifying. It was enough to make me run back up to our room for safety. I left Vince in my dust. Dude has smoked waaay too much in his life to be very good at running. Humans are slow enough at the best of times, and I was not waiting. He made it back eventually though, lucky him.
When I got back to the hotel, TwiKiwi50 was getting ready to go out to a party. I hatched a plan, as soon as I realised I was going to have the place to myself. First though, I had to suck up to the boss lady. I pulled out the usual charm. I told her how good she looked, how nice her makeup was, how flattering that colour looked on her (oh yes, I know how to charm the ladies). I think it worked because she didn't lock me up when she left...
There were some conveniently pre-chilled beers in the fridge. Don't mind if I do! By the way, I should point out that Vince was sworn to secrecy. I made him sign a non-disclosure agreement. We're tight, or at least we were then.
I ordered in pizza. They wouldnt give me extra human blood, so I stuck with pepperoni.
The rent-a-crowd soon turned up. I wasn't impressed she brought her kid, but hey. I was desparate for company.
Then more locals arrived. What is with these Aussies bringing their young to a
orgy party? How inappropriate!
Oh well, when in doubt, drink more. I really needed it that night. Works every time.
This is when shit started to get weird. The Kangaroo, the Koala and Vince seemed to be getting along WAY too well. I was weirded out... I mean, some things just don't need to be shared, right? I headed to the bathroom for some quiet time to think. They didn't even notice I was gone. I rifled through the boss lady's makeup bag. What the hell does she use these things for? Torture?
I learned a very valuable lesson that night. Sometimes, TwiKiwi50 knows best. I should have just had a quiet night in. I finally managed to get the Aussies out of our room, which actually wasn't hard since they were all headed to somewhere called
King's Cross. Good riddance. I got to work tidying up before the boss lady came back.
She was in quite a state when she got home. She insisted on jumping online and tweeting while she was slightly under the weather. I sighed, knowing full well that I couldn't stop her, and hoping she wouldn't tweet anything she'd regret later. I got to work running her a bubble bath and turning down her sheets. Finishing the evening with a nice foot massage, I was back in the good books. She was so grateful and slept like a baby. Sometimes it's nice to be appreciated.
And that's about the highlights of our trip to Australia. TwiKiwi took this pic of me (I never saw Vince again after the Koala/Kangaroo menage-a-trois situation) at the airport as we waited to board our flight. Next time she goes somewhere overseas, I'm going to ask her if I can tag along, rather than stowaway.
I hear she's going to the United States of America in a few months. I better apply for my passport now!
Kiwi-Ed xxx
