Urban Dictionary LOVES Twilight Fans

Hello luvvers!

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas. Before I get into this post, may I say that Christmas in the summer sun here was wonderful, made all the better by all the lovely twitter messages from my twifriends with festive wishes.

Random abstract xmas ornament on the windowsill

I was going to write a post about my summer holidays, but I couldn't be bothered. I got distracted. And no, not by the lovely pressies that were under the tree for me... but by the random time-suck vortex that is UrbanDictionary.com. You see, ever since I have owned an iPad, it's amazing how I can spend hours just mucking around on the internet... for no apparent reason and for no apparent gain.

 So, if you're back at work, or still on holiday and have plenty of time on your hands, sit back and check out a few of the highlights I found... oh, and my two cents worth about each. I now present to you some of the funniest (and, quite frankly, a little close to home) Twilight-related posts from UD:

Twilight Saga

Afreakishly addicting book (stolen from a fan fic site) written by a strangemiddle aged woman who created this character named Edward who sparkles in thesun light, instead of bursting into flame like normal vampires. Then there’shis (stupid and pathetically clumsy) girlfriend, Bella (who's a whore) whofalls in love with her BFF Jake then rejects him because he's not like Edward.And he's a werewolf so Edward hates him. Then she gets knocked up by Edward andthey make a baby (that wants to kill her). After having Renesmee (a name thatwas created using a mormon thing where the names of both grandparents arecombined) Bella dies and becomes a vampy. Then come to find out Jacob fallsmadly in love with Renesmee (which makes him a baby fucking paedophile) andBella gets pissed. To makes a long, 4 book, story short, the Cullens have this big war that neverhappens against the (old wrinkly leader people) Volturi and they all end uploving (the evil little Mormon critter) and everyone lives happily ever after(forever and ever and ever).

My favourite thing about this little synopsis is "stolen from a fan fic site"... 

 Twitard

One who takes fandom of Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer, to a level of orbeyond obsession. They often flame forum postings trying to defend the book,regardless whether the book was being critiqued negatively or not. They arealso prone to using all caps, not checking their spelling/grammar, jumping toconclusions, falling in love with Edward, and biting people's heads of for justsaying they didn't like the book.

Harsh... but in some cases possibly fair? I would like to defend my corner of the fandom about spelling and grammar... especially given how heavily I had to spellcheck the above paragraph after pulling it from the site! Touche... 

TwilightMom

A groupof 40 something pre-menopausal women who have been neglecting their children,spouses, jobs, and various pets since 2008 to post their ramblings about adazzling 107 year old vampire who who is stuck in an eternal hell of highschool and the clumsy, idiotic girl who loves him. 

The reason I wanted to include this is that I think this definition also covers those of us without children or spouses... or guilt. Hell yeah I neglect RL to post ramblings (such as the one you are currently reading) and hell no I don't feel bad about it. 

 TwilightBuzzkill

A harshslap in the face to bring a person back to reality, to get out of Twi-Land.Usually a person has to tell the Twihard to get a life, and thatusually does the trick. 

Twihard: I wish I was a vampire! Golly!
Twibuzzkiller: Are you kidding? There are so many things wrong with the book! Imean, first off, If the Cullens are so keen to the scent of human blood, howcan they go to school around girls on their periods? 
Twihard: Just shut up, OK!!! You're such a Twilight Buzzkill!

I would like to raise my hand and let you know I have had a Twilight buzzkill experience or two... but not in the way that the author of the above was thinking. More in the "holy crap I just want to keep reading but it's 3am and I really need to go to work and be a professional human being tomorrow."

Twilightdenial

A personwho despite denying that they hate Twilight, the books, the movie, the actorsetc... They are in complete love with it, and Twilight memorabilia can be foundhidden in their homes.

I included this one because, in the beginning, I was a denier. Now? Hell no, out and proud! I display  all  most of my memorabilia openly... sure I do...

Twilightfucked

The frameof mind a fan of the Twilight Saga will get after watching a Twilight movie, orreading one of the four books. This usually involves talking/thinking about itnonstop, dreams of vampires or werewolves, and (in rare cases), online fanfiction stories.

Only one comment here: RARE cases? Umm, nope.

 TwilightMasturbation

When agirl or woman proceeds to masturbate and sexually reach an all time high(moan), due to the appearance and/or voice of Edward Cullen and Jacob Black.

No comment required, methinks.

And the award for the most random UD posting about Twilight goes to....

Twilightmoist

Vaginalwetness that results from watching a twilight movie or reading a twilight book.

...or fan fiction lemon.

I look forward to your take on the above. Have at it* in the comments:

*Look! I learned an American phrase! Yay me.

Lazy Sunday Fic Recs Galore!

There's been a lot of talk of fan fiction in the twiverse this weekend. Yesterday we had one of the greatest hashtags I've seen in a while... #FicMoments. There was much reminiscing and also lots of fics I haven't read that I quickly added to my to-do list.

I've done a few rec posts on this blog before. If you are interested, go back and check out these posts from October, February and April. 

Jaymes over at Borderline Phenomenal also posted about fic last night, and I've read some awesome stuff lately, so thought I'd share some recs...

Running for Home
Ooza
B/E/Volvo (!), AH

After a lifetime of feeling out of place, Edward is told his entire past was a fabrication. On his journey to uncover the truth he meets Bella, a young woman who is neglecting all responsibility for the first time in her life. Will these two strangers help each other discover who they really are?

I loved this... light and relatively short. I guess I could also picture it, since it's not long since I was driving in the states and staying in motels. This Edward is so precious about his car, it's hilarious!

A Constant in the Darkness
Camoozle (Author of For the Summer)
B/E, AH  

Bella, suffering from an eating disorder, returns to Forks to care for her estranged father. She seeks comfort in Edward, an aspiring chef, who is having difficulty dealing with his own demons.

This fic OWNED me while I was reading it. Quite angsty but so, so good. Although I did want to shake Bella!

Dear Mr Masen
JenDonna
B/E, AH

"Error 434: Reprimanding an executive." Life changing or just stupid? Dear Mr. Masen: A story of unauthorized Internet usage, culinary delights and the goings-on at Cullen, Inc.

This is mainly written in emails exchanged between our two main characters. Lots of fun, and a good slow burn.

The Exclusive
MrsAubergine
B/E, AH  

Edward Masen is a gorgeous politician about to become prime minister of New Zealand. Everybody loves him, but behind the public persona he has a secret desire. Political journalist Bella Swan is determined to find out what it is.

I was sent this rec because of the NZ link. It's really cute! And was great for me because I could picture so many of the places. Quick and fun.

Vinyl
107 YearOldVirgin
E/B, AH

Its just another day at Vinyl Records Store: Fun. Uncomplicated. Just like having sex with your best friend, and coworker, should be. At least, that's what Bella and Edward are hoping. The rest of the employees, on the other hand...

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a total h00r for anything Amber writes. This is no exception - Empire Records x Twilight? Yes please! Fun, quick and dirty. Love.

Show Me a Garden That's Bursting Into Life
atypical-swan
E/J -> E/J/B eventually, AH

Isolated and unable to trust people, Dr Jasper Whitlock finds himself in Forks, WA, taking on yet another temporary teaching position at a boarding school. He meets the enigmatic yet troubled music teacher Edward Cullen and his group of friends and family. Will they be enough to teach Jasper to live again? To love?

I have spoken before about my curiousity for polyfic and this story sated me.. for a while! A great slow burn, that starts with E&J and eventually Bella comes into the picture. A long fic, but a GREAT fic. Truly worth the time it takes. Also made me appreciate the awesomeness that is E/J... 

Twinned
Conversed
E/J, AH

Edward and Masen Cullen look identical, but mistake them at your peril. Watch as their carefully constructed world falls apart when they meet the new girl in town. There's slash-lite, het-smut and Jasper having shower sex with y'all.

After Show Me a Garden, I decided I was ready to test the waters of slash. @17ForeverLisa is always talking about Twinned and it's sequel, Seventeen Men. I am halfway through Twinned and I am loving it so far... if you're slash curious, give it a go! This Jasper is one of my all time favourites.

There you go, should give you a little more to be going on with!

Oh, and in other fic news....

We've been talking alot about the HunterHunting fics today, Clipped Wings & Inked Armour and the Misapprehension of Bella Swan. LOVED both of these, and I recently reread CW&IA. @LuvsMeSumEdward shared this pic today.... so thank her for the jaw-dropping, panty melting goodness... Tattward owns me!

ALSO... did you hear that Emancipation Proclamation is being published? It's going to be called Sempre. Love the title, how appropriate! Khar says this on her website: 

While the general plotline is still the same, the book is significantly different.  It was rewritten from the beginning to put it in its own world, so to speak, so please don't pick it up thinking it's simply EP-with-names-changed in print, because it's not.  It's much more (in *gasp* significantly fewer words).

I. Can't. Wait.

That's all I got for now, tweeps. Feel free to leave recs or your feelings about fics in the comments.

It's Starting to Feel a Lot Like Christmas

That's right! The sun is shining, the temperature is warming up and summer holidays are looming...

Pohutukawa trees flower in summer and are known as kiwi Christmas trees

Oh wait. I'm sorry... that's just for the benefit of my downunder peeps...

The Kiwis: @SparklyJulNZ, @Eds_Piano, @VamptheNewBlack and @CasperNZ; The Aussies: @EdwardsIsobel, @StackedlikeSookie, @Anna_Faze et al... and of course there's my favourite South African, @NixHaw.

Disclaimer: If I missed any other Southern Hemisphere tweeps I sincerely apologise 

Thanks @SuzPetals for the festive touches

You might remember last Christmas I told you a wee bit more about how we do Christmas here, since it is so different to the festivities in the Northern winter. Well, this year, I have a few little touches of North America on my tree, and I thought I would share them with you all - and the memories they bring back for me.

Memories of fun times in SoCal w Jen & Sarah

Vegas, baby! Cocktails with Rikki

Monterey was gorgeous

Fun times in San Fran

A grapevine leaf from Napa with Charla,  Kate, Jamie, Amanda & Sharon

WA! Had a great time w Lesa, ChyLynn, Amy & Erin et al

From Mecca itself!

A special gift from @TwiPolar_Wife

I loved Vancouver, no bears on our twi-set tour though

My final stop, Vancouver Island with Deb

Oh, and I know someone else who wanted his two cents worth...

Thanks so much for the outfit, Deb!

I don't know about you guys, but I'd rather read fic, hang on twitter and read blogs than go shopping. So, this weekend is internet shopping central right here! I hate Christmas shopping with a passion, and every year I swear I'll do it early... and every year I don't.

How are your Christmas preparations going?

SPOILER ALERT: Breaking Dawn: Before the Spawn Review

Hi there,

I am hoping you have come on over from Twitarded, where I posted a spoiler-free review of Breaking Dawn: Before the Spawn. If not, I suggest you go there first, as this post makes the most sense if you've already read that one. Off you go, I'll still be here when you get back.

IF YOU DON'T WANT SPOILERS, YOU HAVE COME TO THE WRONG PLACE. 

You have been warned....

@SparklyJul, T, Kiwi-Ed, me, and B ready to go. Oh, and a cucumber.

This post is a little all over the place. But it is 3.45am and I've been awake far too long, so deal with it.

In my opinion, Emmett has some of the best lines. K-Lutzdoes a fine job. Watch out for the wedding speeches, and his snide remarks throughout.

Charlie is.... he’s Charlie-tastic. First class honours to BillyBurke. There's a flashback to him pre-moustache too!

The wedding is awesome. The kiss is EPIC. I loved the speeches, Emmett, Charlie and Jessica all rock the party. Jessica let some of her damn-Bella-got-the-guy-I-wanted shine through. There's a really grizzly dream Bella has the night before that involves a pile of bodies - THAT really set the scene and let you know this was a very different Twilight movie.

The dress! The dress.... yes. Well done, Alice. Very Bella.The shoes? Yikes! No way I could walk down a mossy, grassy isle in those bad boys.

Isle Esme was wonderful. I loved the touch of the red chessset, although we all knew that was in there. The waterfall scene is really fun,and Bella is – funky. She’s playful, snarky and a little bit naughty and it’s reallyrefreshing to see. There were laugh-out-loud moments, and the sex... the sex is really well done, mostly a flashback from Bella the next morning. So don't freak out when you see fade to black, there's more. Nice.

The transformation scene – not bad. I’ll be interested to hearpeople’s opinions, it was not what I expected. Lots of blood... duh. Not as dramatic as the book I thought, and I found myself willing Edward to hurry up, it seemed all a bit too casual for me. I thought they could have played up the 'burning', although she was lying still, it wasn't really obvious the level of pain she was going through inside. I did like the really visceral scenes of the venom going through her blood stream though.

The baby was fucking creepy. Not at first, but when you see it in Rosalie's arms... Oh, and hearing them talk about 'the' name... there was a shriek of laughter in the cinema.

Rosalie's role is quite down-played compared to the book. I expected her to feature much more heavily, but she really didn't. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I was sad that the scene with her making the 'dog bowl' for Jacob wasn't in there.

The wolves, on the whole, are really really well done. Leahis not nearly as annoying as I anticipated. Not sold on the way their ‘hearing’was portrayed, but it was effective, if a little creepy. And no shirtless tubby wolfpack either, they all miraculously have clothes on after phasing back.

THE WIGS. Jasper was... eek. But, you don’t see him much, soit’s no biggie. As suspected, the greatest casualty was poor ol’ Daddy C. Iliterally shuddered every time he was on screen. Peter Facinelli may havebeefed up a little – hard to say – but that wig. The travesty. As we’ve said amillion times, Twilight – making beautiful people fugly since 2008.

Pregnant Bella – very well done in my opinion. She looked very realistically unwell. At one pointI actually asked myself if it was really Kristen. She did really well, and notnearly as much ‘twitch’ as I thought I’d see.

The final fight scene is random, and to be honest, a little unnecessary. It was an add-in, and I kinda see why they did it, but it didn't need to be there.

Oh, and you wanna know where they split it? Do ya? Do ya? I'm gonna tell you after this photo....

Bella opens her bright red eyes. To be continued!

That's all I got folks. I'm writing this at stupid-o'clock, and I am beat. Special thanks to @NixHaw, who also saw it today, for emailing me her thoughts from South Africa. Thanks babe, they really helped.

Mandy over at Malicious Mandy's Mind has done a REALLY detailed spoiler post, click here.

Thanks for visiting. If you're new here, PLEASE FOLLOW this blog! It will be worth it. It's fun here. Thanks :-)

A MO-ment in Sydney

I was in Sydney this week for yet another conference.

I love it, really. *eye roll* You see, when you work on the exhibition stands and go to the lectures, it's fecking tiring, you get me?

So what do I do to unwind and chill? Skip a session and go shopping, of course!

I found a store within steps of the convention centre. It stocked awesome stuff. Awesome MO-stuff. I thought of my h00rs @jaymes805; @amandakmelby & @rikki_dd* immediately. For some reason, they love the lip-forest look.

Personally, I'm all about the stubble... I likey likey all over, like this:

Aaaand not so much like this:

But since I love my MO-h00rs so, I shopped until I dropped. And I found some amazeballs things. A few examples....

I managed to resist most of these items, but did buy the 'Moustaches of the World' 2012 calendar. It's lined up to replace my Eclipse 2011 one - hey, I wasn't about to get the clusterfuck that is the Breaking Dawn hair-tastrophe calendar. I shall think of my h00rs with every passing month.

And then, as if the universe was trying to tell me something, we went to Luna Park for the conference dinner. Luna Park is a famous amusement park just next to the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Check out the entrance:

Now that's some scary facial forestry right there. But wait, there's more:

I nearly ran away screaming. He smelled funny.

The conference dinner was really fun, in the big top, with a circus theme (duh). We rode the Ferris wheel, danced with hot guys (who turned out to be hot married guys, bummer), and had a gay old time. I proved to myself that I don't need to drink to have a good time (see earlier post here) and generally had a good night catching up with my colleagues from all around Australia and New Zealand.

I just kinda wish I'd taken a marker pen. Then I could have drawn some moustaches on people. That would have been entertaining :-)

*Disclaimer: if you're part of the moustache fan club and I missed you, sincere apologies. I tend to get a little grossed out when it gets a bit too moustachey on twitter.

Changes are afoot....

As you all may have read in the last post, @TwiKiwi50 and I are currently on a health kick. She has told her part of the story and now I would like to tell mine.

As many of you lovelies that I tweet with know, I have two gorgeous boys -

Mini D - Jan 2011

A grumpy looking Minier D - Jan 2011

They are both splitting images of my wonderful husband and my pride and joy.  They have brought such joy and love into my life, and while sometimes I yearn for my DINK (double income, no kids) days I can't imagine my life without them in it.

My cousin, who is a few years younger than me, knew from the time we were in our late teens that due to congenital abnormality, she would never be able to have children.  In my job as as Neonatal Nurse, I see so many couples who struggle with multiple miscarriages or rounds of IVF and I thank a higher power every day that having our boys was relatively easy.

Not long after Minier D was born, our grandfather died. On the same day, I received an email from my friend J who was working in California at the time. Our mutual friend, C's little boy had suffered a terrible accident and earlier that day they had turned his life support off. I was devastated, I just kept wondering how I would I cope if that was one of my boys.

Seeing my cousin cuddle Minier D the next day at our grandfather's funeral, I realised that she would never have her own baby, and that C had just lost hers, I couldn't stand by and let that happen.  I had no control over C's loss, or the loss of our grandfather, but I did have control over my cousin having a baby.

To cut a long story short, six months, multiple counseling sessions, blood tests, injections and scans later, I was pregnant with my cousin and her husband's biological baby. Stan the Man was born on 22nd July 2011, three years and three days after Mini D.

Don't get me wrong this was not the start of my weight issues - but it has been the icing on the cake, so to speak. Like @TwiKiwi50 I have lost and gained around 30 kgs since my 20's. I started on a huge health kick before my wedding in 2007 and in preperation for having a baby. While I was not at my lightest I was healthier and this is what I am currently aiming for.

TwiKiwi and I at my wedding Feb 2007

In preparation for IVF, I had to lose 12kgs (that's 26 pounds for those playing at home)  in 6 months. I was working full time and still breastfeeding.  It was a struggle, only to put it all back on once I started the hormones and injections. Add that to the usual 15kgs I gained during my other pregnancies and you get a whole heap of extra weight.

I currently can't fit any of my non-pregnancy clothes and I don't have the baby to show for it. I also didn't breastfeed which with the Mini's helped me shed the weight. People tend to cut you a bit of slack when you have a newborn and the post-baby tummy to go with it. My 'baby' is 2, not quite the same.

While losing 40kgs is the ultimate goal, the short term one is to fit into my pre-baby clothes and have enough energy to run around with the Mini D's and not spend every afternoon on the couch.

So if you see me bitching on twitter about food or exercise, help a girl out. When you spot the #LoseKristen hashtag, throw me a bit of encouragement! Either that, or a photo of Rob to cheer me up!

Change, for Health's Sake

Hello my lovelies,

As many of my twitter friends know, last week I had a wee health scare. Without too many details, basically, I had some pain in my chest that I was freaking out about... there is heart disease in my family and I've seen enough cardiac problems in my nursing career to know that what I was feeling was not good. It all turned out OK - I have some digestion issues is all, and I'm fine now.

But....

There's nothing like a little Oh my fucking God I'm having a heart attack. I'm only 31. I'm too young to die! moment to make you think about your priorities in life. And my number one priority is staying on this planet for considerably more years yet, thank you very much.

So, I decided it was time to make some drastic changes to my lifestyle, stat.

First, some history. Back when I was 22, I weighed a little less than what I do now. I decided to make a change for the better and committed to a programme of exercise and controlled nutrition. It took me two years, but I reached my goal of losing more than 30kg (66lbs). At that point I was 24, headed off to the UK on my big adventure... and that's when I got lazy. I decided I could 'take a break' from my plan, ate shit, drank a LOT, and before I knew it, at 27 I was back to the weight I had been at 22. This is the single biggest regret in my life to date.

2002

2004 - this photo is my pride & joy

2006

Now, nearly five years after returning to New Zealand, it is ON. I saw a nutritionist this week, have signed up at a new gym, have a personal trainer appointment for next week, and I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna lose this excess FAT and make a healthy change to my life. No fad diets, no crazy shit, just simple maths - put less in, get more out, get healthier. Well, that makes it sound really easy, but you know what I mean.

August 2011

My all-round BFF, Twi-mate and general partner in crime, @SparklyJulNZ, is also embarking on a challenge of her own. While I won't describe her history without her permission, what I will say is that we are hitting the gym together and using each other as motivation. Accountability is a great motivator, and she's a hard task master... "I'll be there to pick you up at 6.30am and if you're not ready I'm going without you".... I love you, sister.

September 2011

We have been tweeting about this stuff in the last couple of weeks, and I feel the hashtag we have been using deserves some explanation. #LoseKristen came about because we both realised we needed to lose a shitload of weight... like, say, the weight of a small person. Such as KStew. I reckon my left leg probably weighs more than she does at the moment. So, #LoseKristen has NOTHING to do with Robsten. We loves a bit of KStew action and would never wish ill of her. It's all relative, mkay?

So, while I'm not going to turn this in to a diet blog *rolls eyes* I just wanted to let you all know what's happening in my life. This is going to be a pretty big focus for me for quite some time to come, and I welcome any questions, comments, tips etc.

And just think, when I hit that Hawaiian beach in 2013... I will be in great shape. BRING IT ON!

The Great Postcard Mystery of 2011

I got some mail today.

I know where it came from.

I know who it comes from... kinda.

So, I hear you ask.... what's the great mystery?

 

I'm very curious. I would love to know who Edward's accomplice was. 

Because we all know his handwriting doesn't look like that.

It was posted October 3rd. The same weekend loads of my friends were in Forks. It's a small town. Someone must know something.

So.... who can give me a clue? Spill the deets in the comments.... please. 

Kthxbye x

Reminders of Awesomeness

Who even knows if awesomeness is a word... it is in my world!

It's been over a month since I returned to reality with a bump. More like a slap around the face, to be honest, in some ways it seems I never went away. At times, when work is stressful and everything else kicks my arse, I just need a reminder of five of the most incredible weeks of my life. Hence.... the reminders of awesomeness!

Hopefully, all of the photos in this post are links. Click them for bigger images if you want to read the fine print or check out the detail.

My firm favourite - my new hoodie! I pretty much haven't taken it off Friday nights thru Sundays since I got back:

Love it!

Then, I have my scrapbook / photo album. I made an album like this after I travelled through Africa a few years ago and I decided before I went to North America that I would do the same thing for this trip. Here are a few examples of pages - I sorted it by venue and included photos, tickets, postcards etc:

Front page

San Diego and Las Vegas

San Francisco

Napa Valley

Seattle

Forks

(some of the shots came out a little odd because of reflections on the plastic covers)

I love this album and have displayed all things 'twi' proudly, for all the world to see. In saying that, I did tone down the number of Kiwi Ed pics included!

I had loads of leftover photos from the album, and added many of these to my magnetic photo board in my bedroom. It's quite difficult to photograph because of reflections from the window opposite, but here's a couple. See which familiar faces you can spot!

The mirror ball is from the Twilight Tours van!

Great memories

I also have a few pieces of merch dotted around the house:

True! Smexy magnet

Beside my bed :)

Worn regularly!

Lets not forget Kiwi Ed. He has his own souvenirs. The less said, the better I think.

Beaver jokes, anyone?

During my travels I wanted to collect autographs and messages from everyone I met along the way. The question was, what do I use to record these? I toyed with the idea of taking a Twilight book, until I realised I had something far more approriate for the Twitards I know and love:

The holy grail

Here are a few shots of the inside pages.These comments make me cry, every time I read them.

And, last but not least... I was in Foooorrrrkkkssss... just not with everyone else. But that hasn't stopped me getting my own Twitarded t-shirt!

So, what's your favourite piece of twi-merch, or reminder of some awesomeness of your own? Hit me in the comments.